Growing pains

It is a strange thing indeed, running in pitch black. Constantly thinking you’ll double back somehow and bump into the thing you’re running from. Of course, who runs without something to run from?

It is even worse still to have someone switch on a light only to find that you haven’t moved at all. Your shirt got stuck on a loose nail which, unbeknownst to you, had been holding you in place all this time. All that effort you exerted for nothing, all that fear you felt still lingering, all that joy from leaving fear’s source gone.

You look around blearily, blindly. Why hasn’t the scenery changed? You wonder, though you subconsciously know why. You just don’t want to admit it. You stop the motions of running and cautiously look behind you. And there it is – still there. Still right behind you. Monstrous. It fills you with fear because it still gains a particular response in your brain – a motherly instinct, a need to protect – which incapacitates you. You cannot resist picking it up and cradling it in your arms even though you know it is wrong, unearthly, sordid. Dirty. You hold it at arm’s length, but still it manages to pull closer. It looks you dead in the eyes, smiles, then bites your nose. You try to drop it – half to tend to your nose and half to simply get it away from you – but it’s too late. It’s attached itself to you. Nipping and knawing on your flesh until you’re a pile of bones; until you have nothing left. And really, a part of you still wants to help the poor creature licking its lips as it perches on your skull. For if not you, then who? And if not it, who for you? You’ve never met another soul in this strange world.

But then you realise someone else must be here. Someone else turned the light on as you tried to make a run for it. There’s still life out there yet.

You just have to meet it.

It is difficult writing this and even knowing what to write. I’m sorting things out, stuck in a limbo at the moment, so I apologise if there’s been radio silence from me recently. For those who are actually in my life too, I’m sorry if I’ve been distant or silent. Just been trying to work things out for myself. Trying to repair the mistakes I’ve made, trying to get my feelings in order. Grieving. I feel like an ugly person right now, full of anger and hurt. 인간쓰레기처럼. Like human trash.

I promise I’ll be in touch soon. Just got to find that light switch… and the exit. 🙂

Prompt: Write a poem or something about your relationship with life as whole as if it were a person.

I guess we haven’t known each other all that long, but I’m finally beginning to warm to you. Sure, I loved you when we first met – everything seemed exciting; our love seemed boundless. But then there was that period where everything darkened. You changed, and in doing so, took away some people I really cared for. You made me confused about what I wanted; made me wary of the future and unsure if I could trust you as though it were all incredible fun (which it wasn’t). And it was tough, but I guess I got through it.

I used to think those years we had as teenagers were fake: that I wasn’t really upset with you; that it was all just a phase. But now I’m not so sure. You hurt me irreparably then. In fact, you hurt me up until a little while ago. I didn’t know if I even knew you during that time. I thought you must have been cheating on me, because you surely weren’t mine.

And I didn’t want you anyway.

I wanted you to leave and never come back. I wanted you to disappear. I was uncomfortable with you; didn’t know what our future would hold.

But now – oh this is so cliché, don’t you think? Now I think I love you. Sure, you have your faults – your creases I haven’t yet ironed out. But I wake up to you every day and I’m thankful that you’re mine. I’m thankful I made the decisions I did. And in a way, I still want to disappear. I want to vanish to an unknown place so I can experience that excitement I felt when we first met… but there’s one thing that’s changed:

I want to disappear with you.

Things I have learnt recently

Things I have learnt recently

  1. I have too many different passwords. Holy crap, it gets annoying.
  2. It’s impossible to read a 700 page novel with a cat lying on one of your arms. Especially if it’s a novel not worth reading.
  3. Looking through old pictures is so lovely. I think the Team Hwaiking day was one of the best in my life. Fatigue and illness just vanish if you’re having a good time (to some extent).
  4. The treasure at the end of the rainbow is worth the trek.
  5. I haven’t learnt enough recently. Teach me!