The Hunter Becomes The Hunted

I have tried repeatedly to write a blog these past couple of months. To no avail. I feel like I have been punching the same wall for all of this time, which is probably more fitting for my life right now than you would think, seeing as I have taken up Taekwondo with my partner at a local martial arts’ school. A wall made out of metal, it must be, for it simply will not budge, no matter what kind of implement I use. It is almost as though I am undergoing so much, that I do not know which emotion I should pull away and dissect first. Or maybe I am feeling nothing, although that concept scares me slightly, now that I have mentioned it. Even now, my writing feels stilted; forced, as though English is not my mother tongue; as though I am thinking in a completely different language (Ket, for example, arguably the most obscure dialect one can know), yet before I can even utter a sentence, I have to think fastidiously as to which way the words go; pronuciation; transitive or intransitive verbs; the place of articulation…

I keep asking myself key questions that will help me in life: where should I go after this? Who with? To do what? But my answers are so discursive that I end up giving up and thinking about mundane matters, like ‘what to have for dinner,’ as my Religious Studies teacher would say. There are times when I am so set and decisive, that I feel like I have known all my life, yet this facade slips after a while, and I turn back to wandering aimlessly down a path when I do not know what is around the next corner.

And I know I should not be like this; I try constantly to put the future to the back of my mind and focus my fixation on the now – ‘do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment,’ as the Buddha once said – yet my mind keeps floating back (or forward) to that illusive tomorrow, which I know may and will never come. In so many Eastern religions, mindfulness is key to suceeding, which means living in the moment; being wholeheartedly aware of what is going on within and around you for that nanosecond before it changes and is gone (and then onto your next thought). I know for sure that it would help one refrain from suffering, as well as controlling anger, which would in turn lead to the end of any grief. I know the idea is to not cling, to be detached from things which do not help you down the right path, but lately I have been finding this difficult, as though I am a kite high up in the sky, able to see for miles around, constantly thinking about other people’s dilemmas, for example, the man walking a few hundred kilometres below, who has tears in his eyes beneath those large, dark sunglasses. I cannot soar free like a bird, yet I can reach the same heights, for someone or something below is holding me back; anchoring me to the world I live in.

And should I allow myself to be held back? Or should I let go: feel the breeze on my face as I skitter off? But can I already feel that breeze on my face, even though I am not completely free; is it the feeling you get when you are attached; when you have a bond with someone or something so steady that you can come undone?

I guess the crux of this blog is that I could have executed the aforementioned so many times before, promised myself time and time again that in my next breath, I will change. But what if I am a goldfish, and every few breaths, I lose my memory – cannot think back on what I have promised myself before? I guess I shall have to wait until I enter life with that freedom, before I can completely detach.

Is that so wrong?

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Author: Jasmine

Hi, my name's Jasmine, I'm 25 and I live in London. This blog is simply to note down my current thoughts - got any opinions on what I write about (or if you simply want to drop me a line), comment me :)!

3 thoughts on “The Hunter Becomes The Hunted”

  1. I have felt this way. I have searched for answers. I have read others that have been in this situation. I like the way your words flow and describe clearly the emotions you are struggling with. The advice that I have seen and adopted is: Write, write, and write some more. It is in these dry periods that we are not alone and these moments will pass. We are then left with the writings and scribblings made during the dry period filed away for the day when we need them.

    I looked thru my list of poems. I thought this one might be appropriate.

    http://icare2be.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/i-am-but-a-man/

    Good luck and please keep writing.

    Regards, Frank

  2. Thank you so much for the advice, Frank! I try to write a lot, but sometimes (as I wrote in this very blog) I cannot find the words for what I am feeling. I know I should work through it, but sometimes I simply cannot.
    Thank you for the poem link: it made me smile – your writing looks so simple on the page, yet the feelings and thoughts you are expressing are complex, in a weird, wonderful way 🙂

    Thank you very much, I hope you keep writing too – your poems are wonderful.

    Warmest regards, Jasmine

  3. Jasmine,

    When you cannot write about feelings write about something that caught your attention today. I do not dictate or decide what I am going to write. I let what is inside come forth. I am surprised at what is written when it is done. You are right that the feelings and thoughts are expressed sometimes in very simple words. The minds of the reader will add their own unique complexity and feelings to the words.

    Good luck. I have about 3 more volumes of poetry that I will be entering into the blog. In addition, I am still continuing to write.

    Best wishes for your success.

    Frank

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